remembering...

today was our first trip back to the zoo since my dad died. I didn't handle it quite as good as I thought I would. I thought I would be teary eyed, but I fell apart. I miss him so much. It was hard to be there and know this is the last place I saw him really alive. It was very overwhelming, but I don't regret going. As funny or strange as it may sound, I had the same feeling I had when we were there that day, almost 3 months ago. I just get this overwhelming sense of peace, and can't help but feel like my dad saw Jesus then and there. I felt like He welcomed dad home and then said, I want you to stay on earth for a few more days. I don't when my dad went to heaven, I don't know if we ever know? During those few precious days, I felt so very blessed to be with my daddy. I prayed with him, talked to him, shared my frustrations with him, sang to him, and just enjoyed being by his side. Each of his siblings also had the opportunity to see him and just 30 short hours after my sister arrived at the hospital he was gone. I am so grateful for our time in the hospital. Caleb and Elijah didn't mention anything at the zoo, at first I was frustrated, especially since I was standing there crying. I sooo badly want them to remember papa, but then Peter said, it's probably better that way. He is right. We have lots of memories of Papa and it would be better if the boys didn't remember seeing him on the ground at the zoo. We have so many other fun things to remember. The other day I was feeling sad and Caleb asked why. I told him I missed papa and we began sharing memories. I would ask Caleb about Papa's favorite things: what was papa's favorite thing to do at our house? where was papa's favorite place to take Caleb when he came to visit? what was papa's favorite thing to make for breakfast? etc. we went through lots of memories and Caleb answered them all. When I couldn't think of anymore, I stopped. We both felt another step in the healing process. Later that day, Caleb asked if we could "do that thing again, with papa's favorite things". I smiled and said, we can do that whenever you want to.